Author : Eve Delunas
It was 2:00 a.m. on the first night of a trip to London when I awakened to
hear a
voice in my head say, "Eve, you are crippled by your perfectionism." I
had been
limping badly through the international terminals all day long, due to a
hip problem
that had developed quite suddenly just four months previously. Although
I had
made some progress in easing the pain and regaining some flexibility in
my hip
joint through physical therapy, acupuncture, massage, energy work, and
imagery,
the problem persisted. And on my long journey from California to
London, it had
been particularly troublesome.I knew the message that I was crippled by my perfectionism was in
response to my
prayer to understand and heal the deeper meaning of my sudden
physical disability.
Yet, I also knew that this was something I didn't want to hear. Never had
I
considered perfectionism as one of my primary flaws. Oh, it isn't that I'm
not a
perfectionist--it's just that I have always liked being that way.But life has a way of getting our attention regarding those qualities we
are most
resistant to addressing. And here I was, looking squarely at my
perfectionism for the
first time to see the ways in which it has crippled me.It was easy to recognize the more obvious impact that perfectionism has
had on my
life. For instance, I work too much, and play too little. After all, there is
always more
to do to perfect one's current project. Also, it is my tendency to be very
critical of
my own creations. Since nothing is ever quite perfect enough, I have
crippled my
ability to fully express my creative essence.To my surprise, as I meditated on my perfectionism, I began to see it as
a spiritual
disability. I saw how in my need to be perfect, there were important
things about
myself that I had chosen not to look at. My perfectionistic self caused me
to block
out awareness of the parts of my own shadow that I find particularly
unpleasant.
Hence, I had crippled my own spiritual growth in my need to perpetuate
a false self-
image. This revelation was particularly shocking to me, since it was in
such
contradiction to my belief that I had been completely honest with myself.In a series of dreams combined with information received during
meditation
sessions, I came to see that there is much about myself I have chosen to
keep
hidden from my own view. And it's not pretty! For example, I have always
viewed
myself as a non-competitive person. The truth is, I am highly competitive,
and my
competitiveness combined with my stubborn pride and envy have led
me to avoid
competition because I hate to lose! Similarly, where I thought I had
forgiven the
past, I have found deep-seated anger and resentments. And the list
goes on.It has been a relief and a joy to begin to face the really dark places
within me. There
is a wonderful sense of personal liberation that comes with
acknowledging and
accepting my most human flaws. I literally feel lighter each time I shine
the light of
conscious awareness on the least desirable parts of who I am. And with
time, some
of these parts have even begun to lose their power to frighten or control
me.For I know that along with my human self, I also have a Divine Essence.
And every
time I "own" another part of my humanity, I ignite a transformative
process that
clears the way to accessing more of the light of my Greater Self.
Although the
perfectionist in me would like to be "finished" and "complete" by next
month with
this process of personal unfoldment, my wiser self knows that it is a
lifelong
journey--not a race to the finish line. It is certainly not an easy journey--
nor one
taken by everyone. But it is the path my Spirit has chosen for me. And for
that I am
most grateful.I am also aware that there is a part of me that desperately wants to
maintain my
mask of perfection. It tries to seduce me into complacency or lure me
into again
turning my back on my shadow side. My wiser self know this would be a
big
mistake. I intend to continue to face my negative traits with humility to the
best of
my ability. And I suspect that life will continue to find ways of pointing out
to me
those personal deficiencies which I overlook!Eve Delunas, Ph.D., psychotherapist, author, speaker, trainer.
Offers proven strategies to help you rise above your limitations and soar.
Breaking the Spell of the Past--Book and Guided Visualization CD set.
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peaceful.
Take a FREE QUIZ to find out if you are SPELLBOUND by your past.
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Keyword : perfectionism, spiritual growth, idealized self, shadow, inner light, physical health, healing, self
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