One year ago today I received a dreaded middle of the night phone call. My mother had been rushed to the University Hospital in a nearby city with a ruptured brain aneurysm. Sleepy eyed, and panicked, my husband and I rushed to the emergency room not knowing what to expect. Gratefully, she was alert and talking when we arrived. We were told she required emergency brain surgery to clip off a bleeding aneurysm and another that had not yet ruptured. As they rushed her down the hall and through the swinging doors of the OR we all shouted 'Love you. We'll see you later today." We had no idea if that was true.Our mother survived the odds—more than half of patients with her condition die before they make it to the operating table, and half of those who get into surgery don't survive the first two weeks following. Miraculously, my mom recovered. It took a week before she recognized any of us, and months before her memory retained anything for more than a nanosecond. But slowly, surely, and not so steadily she recovered. And through this year-long ordeal, as is guaranteed in times of extreme challenge, I learned some valuable lessons that will serve me—always.Lesson 1: SANDWICH TO REDUCE STRESS.Intellectually, I knew I had to take really good care of myself when this first hit. After all, you can't go long distances on an empty tank. The doctors warned us that this was going to be a long road ahead. Patients with severe brain trauma have a great ability to heal and regain functioning, but it is a slow (12-18 months) and unpredictable process. I felt pulled to make the 45 minute drive to the hospital daily (especially in the critical first 14 days of intensive care), so that I could keep up with what was happening. So, I started 'sandwiching' my day. I made it a point to start and end each day in an enjoyable and ordinary way. Playing with my kids. Going to the park. Taking a walk. Having dinner with my family Reading a good book. These were the ways I buffered myself, and my family, from the stresses of the day.Lesson 2: HOLD THE VISION.From the beginning I held onto the vision of my mother returning home and resuming her active and independent life. Believe me, there were times this vision seemed nearly impossible to hold onto. But I persisted even when family, friends, nurses, and some doctors told me how unlikely it might be. By holding onto this vision, I made better decisions as her daughter and guardian. I made decisions consistent with challenging her, helping her grow, and maximizing her abilities. Was I 100% certain she would go home? No. That wasn't the point. The point was, I wanted to get her as close to independent as was possible. Believing in anything less wouldn't serve that purpose. The vision kept me honest and motivated. My mom is home now—has been for 2 ½ months. She has structure and daily help in her home, but she's home and living independently. Vision accomplished. Hold your vision. It expects the best of you even when expecting less would be much, much easier.Lesson 3: LET GO OF EXPECTING OTHERS TO LIVE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS.I have a certain way of behaving in times of overwhelm. I get very 'heady' and start trying to solve the problem. I wanted others to join in my fun. They didn't. They were too upset. Eventually, I had to stop expecting everyone else (mom's friends, my brother, and other family members) to act as I was acting and do what I was doing. They won't. They're not me. I learned, the hard way, that expecting others to be who they weren't was just another stressor for me. It intensified my overwhelm, strained relationships when they were most needed, and rendered me a bundle of frustration. I resisted, but eventually grasped, that I could not 'should' anyone into being different than they were (He "should" be coming more. She "should" be helping more, and so on). And, more importantly, I learned that 'who they were' was exactly what my mom needed, whether I liked it or not. That's why they were in her life—they had a role to play. So I went about playing my role the best I possibly could, and trusted everyone else was doing the same (this lesson is one of those I relearn every couple of months!).Lesson 4: CHOOSE YOUR ROLES WISELY.In times of overwhelm and chaos, it seems there are innumerable things to be done. Who could possibly do them all? Well, certainly not me. I had to really ask myself what was the most important role(s) I could play. I decided on a few key roles that suited my values and strengths. Then, I went about finding people to handle other roles. I took on the motto of "I accept all offers of help". I became really good as saying "Yes, thank you". This was new for me but it worked. In getting Mom back home, I really had to consider (as I live 1/12 hours from her) how I could be most useful (and where my strengths are). From there, I found other people and resources to get things done for her. I sent out emails to friends and family with ideas on how to help her succeed. Some did, some didn't (see above lesson!). It all worked out anyway. There's an old saying "You can't be all things to all people." So you might as well pick and choose how to use your most valuable resource—you.Lesson 5: FOCUS ON WHAT'S RIGHTWhen someone you love is sick, suffering, or struggling, it can be so easy to take on your own brand of suffering. In coaching, there's a phrase I hear often (though I don't know who to attribute it to)—"Problems are inevitable, but suffering is optional". I learned that when I focused on what was wrong-- "This is sooo hard", or "She's not getting better" or "The hospital's not doing their job" --I was absolutely right. It was hard. She wasn't getting better. And the hospital wasn't doing enough. Amazingly, when I focused on what was right--"I am handling this well", "She remembered that I was here before lunch", and "The staff made the necessary changes" --I was also 100% right. Let me tell you, being right about what's working is MUCH less stressful than being right about what's wrong. When 'what's wrong' is everywhere, start to look for what's right. It's there and it feels really good.Of course, there were many other lessons learned in the last year. But these were the Big 5 for me. I'd love to hear the lessons you've learned in times of stress, chaos, or overwhelm. Email me at shawn@succeedcoaching.com to share your lessons, insights, or reactions. Have a wonderful day!This article may be reproduced, in its entirety, along with the following information:© 2006, Shawn Driscoll, Succeed Coaching & Development. This article is provided courtesy of Shawn Driscoll, Career Success Coach and owner of www.succeedcoaching.com.
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Keyword : choose, focus, expectation, success, succeed, stress
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